Jesse's Zen

Your routine becomes your life. Becomes your life. He didn't want to think this. But the thought came unbidden, like the pattern of the wallpaper across from the sofa. A bland medallion pattern in gold, that he neither admired nor abhorred. He could see it before he opened his eyes. He could sense it even as he became aware of the jagged angle that caused his neck to ache. The sofa was too short to claim a night's restful sleep. Then again there was rarely a truly restful slumber anymore for Morse.

A slim volume slid from somewhere across his middle and landed quietly on the shag carpet when he stretched then sat. Morning, by the bleak light coming in round the edge of the shade. He contemplated his stocking feet for a numb moment before noting atop the coffee table, a crumb strewn plate, and slightly more than one finger of amber drink in a glass. The modern marvel of a phonograph had turned itself off automatically some time during the night. Morse hadn't even heard the absence of the music.

He passed a hand through the thick tangle of his hair. Rising, he stepped toward the lavatory but hesitated.
As though fulfilling some unseen master's bidding, he turned then picked up the glass and downed the remainder of the drink in one swallow. Routine becomes your life, a voice of some paternal expert someone echoed in his head. It was another working day.

and you were sitting in my kitchen you would often see this Chinese proverb.  I designed and stitched this way back in the days when I used to be a needlecraft artist.  Many is the day when this saying gave me hope to believe that love would come again my way.  It did come true.  But to this again, came an ending.  Still this sentiment greets me day in and day out, as I come and go - this constant reminder that the heart is above all - foolish and beyond that, hopeful.

May we continue to live our fondest dreams even when we have absolutely no reason to believe.

Expectations.  Wow, I guess it's been some serious time since I've last posted here, or it feels like it.  So anyway, on this Tax Day, following close on the heels of a real downer day yesterday I'm feeling a little disappointed.  The sun is shining it's true and I've got a job to go to so that's cool.  I'm just blah today.  Have been reading and commenting on the agegap community.  But, damn, no pun intended - that gets old.  I know birthdays can be a big deal for some people, gifts and cakes and all but people getting all opinionated over birthdays seems kind of idk, just out of place. 

And yeah, I sorta remember the Anna Nicole thing and how the whole world thought that she was using that older boyfriend for his money - but I mean, they're both dead now.  I tell people that even though there's an agegap in a couple there's no guarantee that the older partner will die first.  It's just that kind of world.  And poor Anna Nicole didn't get to be very old herself.  I wouldn't want to get into any endless debates but maybe they actually did like each other.  Probably that would appear to be a naive comment to some.  That's just me alright.  Childish Ki at whatever age.

Well, I wonder why I have to be always weighed down by these high school emotions?  Am I overemo?  Sometimes.  Disappointed?  Yeah, now a little.  I like being part of a couple and having somebody profess feelings for me.  It probably sounds harsh to say I don't want to be a parent to my partner.  Both of my kids came neck in neck to me in maturity a while back.  Maybe that says something negative about me as much as positive about them but that's just the way of reality.  One of the people I loved most in the world, my Uncle Walter G. was forever a big kid.  We just are what we are.  If we don't live up to expectations, if we miss the mark, if we don't quite get things right - we still need a magnified sun of love, and need it daily.  I'm probably a selfish lout and not worth the effort and Lord knows, old enough that I ought to be benched and not still in the game fighting for the ball, but that doesn't mean I don't want affection by the dump truck load, and affirmations over a loudspeaker and messages on the scoreboard.  I'm never going to grow up.  I know that now.  It doesn't mean I'm bad, just means I'm me.  It's just the way I've learned to deal with the nipped off childhood I had.

Won't explain.  That's just what it is.

As recorded by Dusty Springfield
(Burt Bacharach / Hal David)




( Read more... )
I Just Dont Know What To Do With Myself - Dusty Springfield
.