The Ruins

Feb. 23rd, 2014 07:46 pm
jesseszen: (Default)
Maybe that's not such a great working title. It will do for now. Have become inspired as of late to take up once again, my WWI story. It could be that the Centennial of the onset of the Great War is prompting this. Whatever the reason, even 100 years ago seems uncomfortably close. Battles where tens of thousands were lost at a time, whole landscapes destroyed and new, hideous ways to kill others were the fruits of this conflict.

A thing that strikes me by contrast is the means of communication available at the time. Radio was not generally available to the public and telegraphs were sent in code for the war effort. Civilians got their news from the front via newspaper or letters. This seems so indicative of such a different age. We lose patience if the car ahead of us in the drive through lingers at the service window. Our access to news is nearly instantaneous to the event.

Wish me luck with my book.
jesseszen: (Default)

and you were sitting in my kitchen you would often see this Chinese proverb.  I designed and stitched this way back in the days when I used to be a needlecraft artist.  Many is the day when this saying gave me hope to believe that love would come again my way.  It did come true.  But to this again, came an ending.  Still this sentiment greets me day in and day out, as I come and go - this constant reminder that the heart is above all - foolish and beyond that, hopeful.

May we continue to live our fondest dreams even when we have absolutely no reason to believe.
jesseszen: (Skyward)
This will probably come down in a day, but..

You would think I'd know by now.  Why is the simple stuff so hard for me?  Won't I ever grow up/learn?

"I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. I'm sorry for everything and any pain that I've caused you,"

Eh?  You didn't say anything!  Maybe that's just the way it is, you know, all's fair in love and war.  But, honey, I thought you liked me.  I sure liked you.

I can't say when it ended or why.  From your message, maybe you mean to say that you could.  It was 1 year, 10 months, and 12 days (but who's counting) since the night you confessed "honestly I think about you all the time" until the day you told me in tears, “Ki, we have to talk.”.  I’ve been alone now all this time, trying to get used to this new reality, so like the old reality I was oh so happy to leave behind, but  I’m used to this, baby.  You know I’m used to being alone.  And if you didn’t want me anymore, I totally get it, but is it wrong to ask what happened?  Did you finally see what everyone else was talking about – how ‘wrong’ we were?  Did you maybe notice that I was over 50 and unattractive, or perhaps the wrong sex for you?  Were you just burned out on justifying us? Turned off by me?  Listened to your friends, your parents or your better sense?  Did I suddenly sound uninteresting?  You came 3000 miles for God’s sake.  Just to tell me it’s over?  How can I reconcile that? 


You said at the beginning that you didn’t want to hurt me.  You said it again at the end.  Did you know that you would?  Was I some kind of experiment in mercy?  All the beautiful sentiments that gave me hope – your email that made me cry.  I had finally found someone who understood me and loved me despite it all – or I thought I had. 


 “In this world, rife with divorce and anger and misery, I am expected to let go of my love in search of something better. Because I am young and smart and pretty, at least according to some, because all of his wonderful, precious qualities are not enough to redeem him of what nature did. I should release him and find someone that fits the right criteria, not my own which has already been matched, but that of faceless strangers.

The world is a ridiculous place and I will not succumb to its rules. I am not without fault or weakness, but I will continue to value that that matters the most. For those faceless strangers, with their warped ideas of love, will never have what we have. Our relationship will grow in strength, and our happiness will flourish despite all odds. I hope only for his patience and understanding , as I try to become the strong woman that he deserves. I love him more than he knows.”


Was the breakup your way of not being burdened with worrying about me while you’re in Japan?  You said there was no one else, how can a person just set aside such feelings as though they didn’t happen?  I understand that it’s over.  I just keep returning to the empty question.  Do you really want me to just fuck off and die? 


Maybe you know I can’t tell a lie.  I have been told that I’m well rid of you, that your emotional problems were too heavy for even me to forge through.  Maybe I shouldn’t read your stories, so full of misunderstood motivations and pent up emotions.  Was I fuel for the perfection of your angst fiction?  You were kind of young for a commitment, anyway, you know.  I don’t expect anything to change.   I’ve got a little pride, too, though you might be hard pressed to find it here.  It’s just about a word of explanation, that’s all.   Was the gender illusion the thing that killed it?  The blood pressure cuff?  The gray hair?  You wouldn’t believe the mental gymnastics this lonely mind is capable of. 

 Maybe we can’t be friends but we can be civilized.  Can’t we?

crossposted to:

jesseszen: (Skyward)
Busy-ness is def helping me.  Old friends with new chats.  Restarting projects that sat too long neglected.   Thanks everybody.  It seems I keep making the same mistakes and sure, some things about me might never change, but that's ok.  One of those things is the love and solace and inspiration of writing. 

Getting back into that is therapeutic and hell, yeah, I've been here before.  Some things deserve fidelity and maybe you'd agree, the blank page with a set of headphones on, well that might be the King of them all.  Writing is where I belong (with apologies to Jin and Crystal).  .  Ultimately, writing is what won me any of the friends reading this diary of whines and moans right now.  Writing may not keep friends or make me any new ones but it certainly does me good - like Christmas does, like coffee does.  I can't listen to 'Wonder" without feeling like I owe at least a one-shot to that.  It's something that was planned 2 years ago and never done. 

I once read that "The greatest joy in life is to begin."  Let's raise a glass to that and resolve to indulge the things that make us happy, to treat ourselves better and stay close to the people who make us feel good about just being who we are.


jesseszen: (Default)
Have been doing lots of retrospection, ne?  Now, I'm 0 for 3 with the online romance gig.  For real I know one fic writer who should swear off the PYT's.  What's this with being so immature he can't attract anybody over 50% his age?  Fist shaking, running in place, hair pulling, big fat whomping deal.

Time - why you punish me?  Like a wave crashing into the shore, you wash away my dreams.
Can you teach me about tomorrow, and all the pain and sorrow, running free.

Tomorrow's just another day.  You know, I don't believe in time.

That's right.  Bring it on.  I'm not going out of mind thinking about time.  Hell yeah, I'll quote Darius Rucker or anybody else I damn well want to.  Ki's not old, he's gold.  Doubt myself?  Nevermore.
jesseszen: (Default)
why again I'm writing this type of line.  All those lines of love - I keep them.  I have them from several people, even as I know that tonight I'm once again all alone.  This time, it turns out I wasn't even worth an explanation.  Now, all those dreams of being together, all those words of longing, the laughter, the reassurances, now - just another email folder full of words no longer true, words that tonight still have the power to twist tears from me and make me ask to that laughing black nothingness 'why?' Why the hell not, I guess because I was made for misunderstanding and heartbreak, just simply created for it.

And Trust - just a word that has cost me so much.  And that name, just the label on that folder to join the hall of fame of everyone who's moved on.
jesseszen: (Default)

Read more... )So many things done for the sake of peace, for the sake of carefully making the way smooth for someone else - you may not have recognized this colossus of strength but yeah, that's me, colossus.  Or maybe that's just some word for a rough hewn pole.  He feels more like one of those old tree trunks, bark stripped off, branches chopped, leaves dried and blown free.  Only inside, some small family of birds had been born and their songs had charmed even the dead wood.

Whatever the reason, the season's no longer spring green with fresh promise of long, lush summer.  This is still wood.  Only now, rain sodden and the birds are lifting off.  Dreams are so very easy to kill.  Smiles and laughter, so easy to paste on and perform.  Others have a chance at that summer.  And trust, ... again, gathering up the wood chips of hope and joy.  Into the fire with you guys.  One of these days I just may learn.

And what of this, my diary that I know gets read by others?  I have tried to not edit it for others' benefit.  How else could it be mine?  I've celebrated my life here and cursed it.  This is where I kick myself or congratulate myself.  If you don't like what I say then get your own. 

Like a cowering dog, I'm staying in the back room lately.  If my paw gets stepped on by accident does it hurt less than if it was on purpose?  I got hurt this week.  It's nobody's business, really. But celebrating the beauty of love seems like so much schmaltz.  Keeping cards close to your chest sounds like wisdom.  There are no guarantees.  No shit.  If there's a lesson I've learned, that's the one.  So why do I keep believing that Lucy's not gonna pull that ball?  Why believe I'm not gonna end up on my back this next time?  What's the matter with me?  A bottle of champagne and some music, a little writing, these are fine things and should content me.  Is that simple, peaceful life still calling?  The one with no ventures but no hurt feelings either?  Read more... )
jesseszen: (Serenity)

Our summer month was:

hydration vessels
planning meals
tea in the morning
walks on nature paths
Italian ice
a first flight together
settling comfortably in
our sims family
feeling no shame in a public kiss when parting
a time to plan for our future

Our summer month was August 2010.  How lucky and how blessed I've been to share it with such a sweet companion.  My heart is yours. 

The Quabbin - August 2010


Jun. 26th, 2010 12:25 am
jesseszen: (Default)



The hypocrisy of flesh

scorns its owner, pain unrelated to blood or battle

yet longing, turning inside to out.

Your face grieves me with its beauty.


I shall seek nature

corner her, and pin her to a tree

press my body against her, as I would you,

and make her answer -

Will you relieve me?


Let me not dwell upon you

and this low music only I can hear.

Respond to me, yet not to me

the lyrics say.


Other eyes fascinate you.

Other arms and lips tame your tempests,

and walking unnaturally through

forests of grey musings

your servant, madame,

never to utter

one word.



jesseszen: (Default)
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Well, anything's possible, but sure as hell not likely.  Twice I've paid money for divorces and each time thought it well worth the expense.  Would I regroup with either one? Not a chance.  Would I reconsider someone I've had relationships with before?  Not hardly.  It's called life experience and learning from one's mistakes.

Aw Damn

Apr. 15th, 2010 08:23 am
jesseszen: (Default)
Expectations.  Wow, I guess it's been some serious time since I've last posted here, or it feels like it.  So anyway, on this Tax Day, following close on the heels of a real downer day yesterday I'm feeling a little disappointed.  The sun is shining it's true and I've got a job to go to so that's cool.  I'm just blah today.  Have been reading and commenting on the agegap community.  But, damn, no pun intended - that gets old.  I know birthdays can be a big deal for some people, gifts and cakes and all but people getting all opinionated over birthdays seems kind of idk, just out of place. 

And yeah, I sorta remember the Anna Nicole thing and how the whole world thought that she was using that older boyfriend for his money - but I mean, they're both dead now.  I tell people that even though there's an agegap in a couple there's no guarantee that the older partner will die first.  It's just that kind of world.  And poor Anna Nicole didn't get to be very old herself.  I wouldn't want to get into any endless debates but maybe they actually did like each other.  Probably that would appear to be a naive comment to some.  That's just me alright.  Childish Ki at whatever age.

Well, I wonder why I have to be always weighed down by these high school emotions?  Am I overemo?  Sometimes.  Disappointed?  Yeah, now a little.  I like being part of a couple and having somebody profess feelings for me.  It probably sounds harsh to say I don't want to be a parent to my partner.  Both of my kids came neck in neck to me in maturity a while back.  Maybe that says something negative about me as much as positive about them but that's just the way of reality.  One of the people I loved most in the world, my Uncle Walter G. was forever a big kid.  We just are what we are.  If we don't live up to expectations, if we miss the mark, if we don't quite get things right - we still need a magnified sun of love, and need it daily.  I'm probably a selfish lout and not worth the effort and Lord knows, old enough that I ought to be benched and not still in the game fighting for the ball, but that doesn't mean I don't want affection by the dump truck load, and affirmations over a loudspeaker and messages on the scoreboard.  I'm never going to grow up.  I know that now.  It doesn't mean I'm bad, just means I'm me.  It's just the way I've learned to deal with the nipped off childhood I had.

Won't explain.  That's just what it is.
jesseszen: (Default)
She's becoming a woman.  Getting stronger.  Thinking about what she wants. We all have to learn that one person can't be the world.  But one person can make me feel like I'm sitting on top of it.  We all have to learn what we really need from a relationship.  One may want security, or another may want passion or intellectual engagement, or a feeling of being part of a team.  I want delight. What do you want?
jesseszen: (Skyward)
What does a person do when he realizes he's made a mistake?  Is it better to chin up and live with it or to try to erase it and start over?  What makes me happy - I have to run and find it.  Virginia and the independence and serenity I felt there, I think on it and wish I could go back to that time and place.  Is that wrong?  Is that do-able?  They say you can never go home again, and it's so true.  But is it true, just with a year and a half in between?  Aww, what do I do? Will my friends still be there?  Will that free spirit come back and sit on my shoulder where it's easier to walk outdoors every day - where summers feel like heavy wet blankets pulled from a hot washing machines - where traffic congestion makes me feel like at least half the people in the USA must live in the Richmond-Metro area?

I need an evening alone and a bottle of champagne and a chance to just think.  Sure, I love my family.  I feel like time is becoming more precious.  How many more years or even months of independence do I have?  Lord, give me a hint.

jesseszen: (bluekame)

As recorded by Dusty Springfield
(Burt Bacharach / Hal David)

Read more... )
I Just Dont Know What To Do With Myself - Dusty Springfield

jesseszen: (Default)

Been a while, eh, book?  And I'm spinning around in circles.  Where will I live?  What are those girls gonna do?  Are my crops gonna die again? hahaha  I'm such a fool lately, like I can't take Life seriously anymore.  Dreams have gone all disturbing and sleep is sort of hard to come by.  The summer is running away.

Read more... )

February 2014



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